|Photo Credit: Deborah Leigh (Migraine Chick) via Compfight cc|
But things aren't always as they seem . There are many days that I am in way over my head and I'm filled with self doubt. Am I doing what's best for my students? Am I changing too quickly? Am I expecting too much of myself or my students? I am a high achiever, and good never seems to be good enough.
Twitter has introduced me to some of the most amazing educators ever. They are educators I can't speak highly enough about. They are true experts in their fields whether it be 1:1 iPad integration, connecting students globally, numeracy instruction, literacy love, or social emotional health. They push my thinking to places I've never been before. I have these amazing conversations with them and they literally make my brain hurt. Literally, headache type hurt, and not typical stress, migraine, or tension type headaches. Brain spinning headaches.
I know that I have people in my district (and beyond) that truly believe in me, and what I am doing in my classroom with my students. Many take the time to tell me such, and they have no idea how much that means to me. But far too often I feel that I am doing my thing in isolation.
There are people in my district (and beyond) who cause me to self doubt myself too. I feel like they are just waiting for me to fail so they can say , "I told you so". I feel like I am constantly proving myself to them. It's a weird feeling, and on nights like tonight, it makes me feel sad.
At one time someone innocently said to me that I was getting the opportunities that I was getting because I was a favourite. That hurt, and it still does. And I know that it was said with complete innocence. But it makes me wonder, who else is thinking that? Inside of me I truly believe the opportunities are coming my way because I am working so darn hard. I am up near the front of the pack, exploring ways that have not been tried by many in my district. And I am sharing what I'm doing with the world and putting myself in a completely vulnerable position. I am doing everything I can to help those that are wanting to learn, while at the same time trying to learn as much as I can for myself. It's a tricky balance point at times. Most days I think I have the balance figured out, but at times, like this evening, I have my doubts.
Thankfully the only constant in life is change, and this feeling of insecurity shall pass.